Jargon Induced Misery


One of the scariest things to contemplate is the executive memo. Will it actually have a nugget of useful information cleverly shrouded in useless jargon and sad, repetitive, colloquialisms or will the nugget be, in fact, the tiniest scrap of a left over Grade-D sand grain that would not even find its way into the concrete that makes up a poorly constructed city sewer system?

As soon as I see such classic gems as synergy, paradigm, schemas (oo that one burns me), empower, or perhaps fragile business landscape (have people noticed everyone buying up competitors, seems more bloody and hellacious then fragile). Then there are the phrases such as you can’t have your cake and eat it too (sorry I thought the point of having cake was to eat it, my mistake, perhaps I shall try the pie).

So, now we are going to do something fun. Thanks to the wonders of technology, we have devised a means of taking any memo and refine it to the barebones information. Therefore I present the executive memo:

TO: Company Family
FROM: Pointy Haired President
I would like to take the time to get our big happy family reacquainted after the long vaca break. Welcome back to work there are a number of procedural ramifications that have designed a synergistic exemplar hegemony of understanding.

From a customer centric viewpoint, remember that the solution is within the grasp of the preliminary synergistic schemas involved with our latest services. On this point, R&D will move the plane onto the runway so as to reamortiz the viral marketing campaigns.

The holistic paradigm shifts we have seen over the past weeks have laid before us an interesting topic for discourse. Therefore, I find that we have but one path to tread between the sides of disparaging goodwill.

Pointy-Haired Kitten Co. is determined to promote constant attention in regards to the concurrent procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!

In a purely, scientific exploration, let’s see what this memo really says:

TO: Senseless Cogs
FROM: Your Supreme, Yet Incredibly Attractive, Leader
I am glad that my minions are coming back from a tax-break induced holiday. Thankfully, everyone has returned because there is a lot of work to do that I do not understand.

The customers hate our services and have told us so. Therefore, we need to find a way to throw a large amount of money at a marketing campaign to make us appear nice and fluffy.

A ton of lawsuits have occurred while you were all enjoying yourselves and I am angry at you all. We need to find a way to handle this so I am not at fault.

I will continue to run the business as usual while my minions will have to work a lot harder.

And on this note I need to get back to work and start writing up the TPS reports. Happy hosting!

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